*** REPORT FLATULENCE HERE ***[views:13179][posts:100]__________________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 11:08am - Conservationist ""] Monday, 9:42 AM. It washed over me like a Sargasso Sea, a thick liquid permeation of filth, and dissipated into a sulfurous tinge to the room. But first it battered me with the mixed flavors of decomposition -- a little bit of fermenting shrimp, that odd cheese at a party last night, sauerkraut from the hot dog. In my sleep I gagged and when I woke up, it was like I was still in a dream. A dream of anal horror. |
| _______________________________ [Aug 18,2008 12:37pm - Yeti ""] you dutch-ovened yourself. yesterday i suffered from a deplorable excess of gas due to High Life consumption the night before. i had the fucking Munich Symphony Orchestra in my drawers. |
| ________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 12:53pm - afed ""] I tooted |
| ____________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 1:16pm - DYA / NLI ""] Should I bother with the morning exhalations? 'Cause that's really gonna fill up the thread quick. |
| _______________________________ [Aug 18,2008 1:17pm - aril ""] One of my hobbies consists of farting on the Commuter Rail. |
| __________________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 1:46pm - largefreakatzero ""] I had the major gas last night (most likely due to excess food/beer inhalation starting at about 9am), but today I was rewarded with 3 massive movements that probably dropped my body weight by about 15 lbs. |
| _________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 2:11pm - scmfck ""] well had about 10 beers lastnight and then a flamethrower burger from dairy queen for lunch today, mega swamp-ass galore |
| ___________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 3:09pm - TurkBack ""] This is relevant to my interests. |
| ______________________________ [Aug 18,2008 3:16pm - Yeti ""] aril said:One of my hobbies consists of farting on the Commuter Rail. hahahahahahahahahaha oh man thats so funny, i do the same thing. i always take the single seats that are closest to the doors, and i frequently stink out that section. |
| ______________________________ [Aug 18,2008 3:26pm - Yeti ""] back in 3rd grade i had this teacher who had an uncontrollable gas problem, Mrs. Smith from Pakachoag elementary, and she was super strict about us not laughing when she would fart almost constantly. not like huge whoppers, but little poots every 4 or 5 minutes. being 7 or so made it physically impossible. |
| _______________________________ [Aug 18,2008 4:12pm - aril ""] haha, yea. the commuter rail is sometimes loud enough where you can rip as loud as you want and get away with it. the only times I got caught were when the whole seat vibrated and the person next to me gave me a look. if you put your knees up on the back of the seat in front of you, (like most tall people do on the rail)it angles it perfectly for a nice silent fart. This are great too. |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 4:13pm - Conservationist ""] I like to go into stores, find the indoor air conditioning uptake vent, and fart silently into it, knowing my flatus stench will be distributed evenly throughout the door. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd crap on the grid and smoosh it into the vents. |
| _______________________________ [Aug 18,2008 4:14pm - aril ""] the best ones are when you're walking or going up the stairs, and with each step, a little toot comes out. |
| ______________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 4:44pm - SkinSandwich ""] I like to find the prettiest whore walking down the street, and knowing I will never fuck her blast some anal cream her way. Thankless bitch! |
| ___________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 5:02pm - dreadkill ""] my favorite thing to do at a bar is go into the bathroom and, if there's another dude in there, fart as loud as i can while taking a piss, and see if i get a reaction. |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 6:19pm - Conservationist ""] 3:45 PM CST. I feel so light and free after this dump. It wasn't an intestinal casting like yesterday, but clearly this was impacted food ferment from hell. I blew out a bricklike turd, a lengthy poop dong, and then some pebbles, and immediately I found I could breathe easier, as if this massive load of waste had displaced my lungs. Cleanup was a beast. I need to start shitting outdoors, preferrably underwater. |
| _______________________________ [Aug 18,2008 6:30pm - Pires ""] at the dunkin donuts on my beat, someone shoved shit in the hand dryer in the bathroom. it was wretched, yet at the same time admirable. |
| _____________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 6:32pm - corpus_nli ""] i second the admiration. kudos for sharing. |
| __________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 8:42pm - Dankill ""] A very good friend on mine was THE MAN at this. He has cleared out a large shop area with two exposed floors, cleared out a trailer during which his aunt actually threw up, woke his ex up from a dead sleep and had her gagging and once farted on his younger brother's face to which he screamed from under asscheeks "OH MY GOD! GET OFF, I CAN TASTE IT!" On a side note, the ex I mentioned was so dumb once she dutch-ovened herself when they were in bed, he farted and she jumped under the covers, which they were both laying under when he tore ass. He also can take legendary shits or as he calls it, "Dropping Heat". |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 18,2008 9:47pm - Conservationist ""] DROPPING HEAT lol hahahahaha vomit |
| _______________________________ [Aug 19,2008 10:39am - Yeti ""] i had a friend that did similar things, with similar stench. i owned a van back in like 01, and me and like 6 other people drove to Michigan, and i swear he farted every 5 minutes for the entire trip. it took 2 weeks to get the smell out since it was a cargo van with no ventilation aside from the front windows. he also shit in a mop bucket at Hollywood Video, and shit in the top part of the toilet in a restaurant. legendary he was. |
| _____________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 11:58am - DYA / NLI ""] Conservationist said:3:45 PM CST. I feel so light and free after this dump. It wasn't an intestinal casting like yesterday, but clearly this was impacted food ferment from hell. I blew out a bricklike turd, a lengthy poop dong, and then some pebbles, and immediately I found I could breathe easier, as if this massive load of waste had displaced my lungs. Cleanup was a beast. I need to start shitting outdoors, preferrably underwater. There's already a thread for that, buddy. http://simple.returntothepit.com/view.php?formid=43801&highlight=shitting |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 2:08pm - Conservationist ""] One of the worst things about a hot climate: Fart in your car. Park in the sun. Suddenly, your car permanently smells like your bowels. Especially in hot, humid climates like Viet Nam or Houston. |
| _________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 2:10pm - c.DeAd ""] Dankill said:he screamed from under asscheeks "OH MY GOD! GET OFF, I CAN TASTE IT!" Thats awesome. |
| ______________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 4:24pm - Nobody_Cares ""] Yeti said:and shit in the top part of the toilet in a restaurant. legendary he was. Oh the uppper decker? |
| _______________________________ [Aug 19,2008 4:39pm - aril ""] Good ol' Harris County, TX. How I miss thee. |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 4:52pm - Conservationist ""] Miss it with a rifle, but not with a heart. When were you here? |
| ______________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 7:44pm - the_reverend ""] in the pool at the gym. but im getting beaten by the dog who is squirting out fire eggs |
| __________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 7:48pm - Dankill ""] Conservationist said:DROPPING HEAT lol hahahahaha vomit Hahahaha, yeah, it became part of my vocabulary after he lived with me for a year. "Hey Dan, I'm gonna go drop some heat, then let's go grab some beers!" |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 19,2008 8:59pm - Conservationist ""] Should be a movie: HEAT DROPPER. Currently popping out some hot air balloons myself. It's starting to get uncomfortably colonic in here. |
| _______________________________ [Aug 19,2008 9:51pm - aril ""] I was born and raised in Harris County. Cypress to be exact. |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 1:53am - Conservationist ""] Good lord, I'm glad you survived. I grew up in Alief. Sort of like Cypress, but offshifted by ten years earlier. |
| ________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 10:42am - aril ""] Yea, my family is originally from up here but my father worked for Enron. Too bad Enron fucked up, he lost all of his stocks/etc. |
| _______________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 10:52am - the_reverend ""] my whole office smells like someone messed themselves. |
| __________________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 11:11am - Conservationist ""] I also (briefly) worked for Enron. Wish it had turned out better. It was a good gig going while it lasted, worth it for the catering alone. I've never eaten so well in my life. They used to call in huge orders -- Pappasitos, Hungry's, you name it -- and feed the hell out of all of us working on their projects. Lunchtime big trays arrived, and if we stayed even ten minutes past five, another was on its way. I used to eat the hell out of the tray on our floor, then ride the freight elevator and scout other floors for goodies, then work late. Sometimes, I'd unleash a gigantic bowel avalanche in the executive bathroom next to the receptionist's desk, and I'd leave the door open so the A/C vent would pulse the stench out into the office at large. Only once did they call housekeeping to complain, but I remember quite a few people sniffing aggressively, and I worried because maybe there is someone out there so perceptive that he or she can tell by the smell of a dump whose bowels it came from. |
| ________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 11:26am - aril ""] I remember Enron Chili Cook Offs in the 80s and the flatulence was steaming out of asses left and right. |
| __________________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 11:32am - Conservationist ""] Anything that steams IN HOUSTON is bad news... like nuclear anal horror... |
| _______________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 11:36am - the_reverend ""] just farted in my cube. |
| _____________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 11:37am - DYA / NLI ""] Today I had flatulence. |
| __________________________________________ [Aug 20,2008 11:39am - Conservationist ""] I can barely read over the noise of my intestines gurgling, whining, asking for reparations, bubbling. I don't know what's about to happen but you can be sure... you'll hear about it here. BTW, greetings to our friends from http://raci.st/ who are reading this thread now. |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 21,2008 9:13pm - Conservationist ""] Stardate 5041, 8:11 PM CST. I am ready for this to stop. It's as if all the fluid in my body cycles through my colon. Drink a horseload of water, or Dr. Pepper (everyone in Texas drinks DP except the Russian immigrants), and everything is fine for a few hours and then suddenly it's all in my colon. Causing (a) the bacterial festival therein to generate the foulest, sulfuric, fermented, eschatologically paranoid gas in abundance (b) the liquified feces to push on the hard anal plug of dried cheese-derived waste below, eventually creating a champagne cork situation. What follows is immense thirst, after the half-hour cleanup. Then the cycle begins again. I am a man trapped in his own colon. There is no hope. |
| ______________________________________ [Aug 25,2008 7:17pm - the_reverend ""] OMG... 3 day old taco bell is making me tear gas everywhere. |
| __________________________________________ [Aug 25,2008 10:34pm - Conservationist ""] Stardate 5041, 9:32 PM CST. I have discovered the secret of powdered garlic. Being dried, it is a fraction of its actual size. If you fry it in butter, it coats it, so that it awaits the intestine before expanding to full size and feeding the flora and fauna of the intestine with glorious raw materials for leveling flatulence. Tonight I sleep on my stomach, letting gravity push out on gaseous opus after another. |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 25,2008 10:34pm - MassOfTwoSlits ""] Cherries are the bomb-diggity for working up that gaseous, cacophonous, schmelly stuff coming out the behind. Eat a shitload and let the follies begin. |
| ________________________________________________ [Aug 25,2008 10:46pm - IllinoisEnemaBradness ""] Yeti said:back in 3rd grade i had this teacher who had an uncontrollable gas problem, Mrs. Smith from Pakachoag elementary, and she was super strict about us not laughing when she would fart almost constantly. not like huge whoppers, but little poots every 4 or 5 minutes. being 7 or so made it physically impossible. in first grade i had Miss Fardy. lol's on the playground for weeks ensued |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 26,2008 12:37am - DestroyYouAlot ""] IllinoisEnemaBradness said: Yeti said:back in 3rd grade i had this teacher who had an uncontrollable gas problem, Mrs. Smith from Pakachoag elementary, and she was super strict about us not laughing when she would fart almost constantly. not like huge whoppers, but little poots every 4 or 5 minutes. being 7 or so made it physically impossible. in first grade i had Miss Fardy. lol's on the playground for weeks ensued I bet her and Ms. Weiner (my high school biology teacher, who BTW knew less about biology than I did and called me a Nazi on the regular) (I wasn't) were in the same support group. |
| _________________________________ [Aug 26,2008 1:57am - Martins ""] Farted. |
| _________________________________________ [Aug 26,2008 8:19am - Conservationist ""] 7:18 AM. I awoke to the sound of those damn planes flying overhead. Or maybe it was thunder. Yet I'm alone in the bed. In the house. No pets, even. Note on refrigerator: "If you ever eat tacos before bed again, I'm leaving you." |
| _______________________________________ [Sep 12,2008 11:37am - the_ELEPHANT ""] I am the ELEPHANT... everyone must bow down to me, for i am the king of all shitting. why do you think they call me the elephant. toilets are for amatures, i only do my business in the woods, and let me tell ya , business is good!!! |
| ______________________________ [Sep 12,2008 1:09pm - Yeti ""] yeah today's train ride had a soundtrack provided by the Munich Symphony Orchestra playing an exclusive show in my drawers. |