ASSUCK DEAD AT THE TENDER AGE OF 18[views:4168][posts:34]________________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 12:43pm - KillerKadoogan ""] Man Struck and Killed by Volkswagen Bug Chelmsford, Massachusetts Assuck, 18, was struck and killed by a Volkswagen Bug, driven by 17 year old Chad Farnsworth while walking down Route 110 in Chelmsford. Said Farnsworth, "I hit him really, really hard." But young Assuck wasn't done yet. "After I hit him," said Farnsworth, "I pulled over and got out to check the damage to my car, because my parents would be pissed if I (expletive) it up, y'know? But he got up and started calling me a fag." A witness described Assuck as "irate." "He got up, looked at the driver, and called him a fag. I think his words were 'What kind of a fag drives a Volkswagen Bug? You (expletive) (expletive) faget." But that's not all. "He then proceeded to throw his innards, which had been scattered around the scene from the force of the impact, at Farnsworth, until finally collapsing and dying" in front of many horrified on-lookers who had stopped to see what was going on, said Chelmsford Police Chief Charles McCusker. "You don't see something like this everyday." Assuck's family could not be reached for comment. A memorial statue will be built in the center of town in his honor. The inscription will read simply "In Loving Memory of Assuck". "It's the least we can do," said McCusker, closing his statement to the press. "It's a sad, sad day for the town of Chelmsford." Funeral services will be held Sunday, February 6th at the St. Mary's Church in downtown Chelmsford at 12:00. |
| _____________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 12:46pm - Christraper ""] Who will carry the torch for practical jokes and vandalism in Chelmsford? |
| ______________________________ [Feb 2,2005 12:48pm - blue ""] hahahahahahaha. this is awesome. rip assuck. long live killer kadoogan. |
| ___________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 12:49pm - Dissector ""] does this mean he's not doing backup vocals on the Dissector cd or are they already recorded? |
| __________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 12:53pm - sinistas ""] that's fucking great |
| ________________________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 12:56pm - whiskey_weed_and_women ""] my grandslam was supposed to come with sausage. |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 12:57pm - paganmegan ""] That rules "The inscription will read simply In loving memory of assuck" hahahahaha |
| _________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 1:33pm - abhorred ""] KillerKadoogan said: A memorial statue will be built in the center of town in his honor. The inscription will read simply "In Loving Memory of Assuck". I'm petitioning the town to build the statue as a 30' likeness of donkey kong |
| ___________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 1:37pm - paganmegan ""] that is a hilarious mental picture |
| _______________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 1:50pm - KillerKadoogan ""] you're a good man, eric braunschweiger |
| _________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 1:55pm - abhorred ""] i figure we could get it to be built where that big monument is in the common where all the highschool fags get their pic taken for the prom...so all the chs prom pics will have a big donkey kong with a speach bubble saying "in loving memory of ASSUCK" |
| _______________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 1:56pm - KillerKadoogan ""] haha a speech bubble genius i will sign said petition |
| _________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 1:57pm - abhorred ""] ill type it up today who else would sign said petition |
| __________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 4:47pm - pessimist ""] i can't believe you were that bored that you took the time to come up with that. fag. |
| _________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 4:51pm - abhorred ""] hey man...its your gene pool |
| ___________________________________ [Feb 2,2005 4:55pm - BornSoVile ""] holy shit ben you need work guy! |
| ________________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 10:21am - KillerKadoogan ""] haha this is what happens when i'm stuck at home for more than a couple of hours at a time |
| _____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 10:43am - Christraper ""] I see nothing wrong with it and encourage this sort of tomfoolry. ben cracks me up. |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 10:49am - paganmegan ""] I second that. That obituary had me chuckling all day |
| ________________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 10:52am - KillerKadoogan ""] thats just because you arent around me all the time these guys are sick of my shenanigans |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 10:55am - paganmegan ""] The donkey kong statue idea sounded like encouragement to me |
| ________________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 10:57am - KillerKadoogan ""] yea, but eric punched me in the kidneys at practice yesterday dont let him deceive you |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:02am - paganmegan ""] I still think that was one of the best posts all day at least some of us derived amusement from it |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:03am - paganmegan ""] remember: Defunct Purulent Language |
| ________________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:03am - KillerKadoogan ""] i only hope to bring joy to the hearts of children everywhere |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:06am - paganmegan ""] awwwwww joy to the hearts of children by flinging innards |
| _____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:06am - Christraper ""] Kidney punches? thats nothin. Youre lucky if you dont get stabbed at my band practices. I almost got my fingers chopped of with an axe once when we were recording. Satan John was swinging it around like an idiot and got my hand pretty good. I was bleeding all over my fucking guitar when i was supposed to be recording a solo. fun fun fun. |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:10am - paganmegan ""] Now I know your practices are more exciting than mine There isn't enough violence at hekeri practices |
| ________________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:14am - KillerKadoogan ""] i never realized how lucky i was to get pucnhed in the kidneys every other day thank you eric, for making me a stronger person |
| _____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 11:42am - Christraper ""] yea you gotta work your way up to getting kicked in the nads every day |
| ________________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 12:45pm - KillerKadoogan ""] i gotta turn my retardedness up to 11 |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 12:47pm - paganmegan ""] Why not make 10 more retarded then turn up to 10? |
| ________________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 12:50pm - KillerKadoogan ""] i think i may already be at 10 but what i could do is make 10 into 7, and go to 8, that way i dont need to make any adjustments in the near future |
| ____________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 1:45pm - Christraper ""] paganmegan said:Why not make 10 more retarded then turn up to 10? ........but his goes to 11..... |
| ___________________________________ [Feb 3,2005 1:53pm - paganmegan ""] [img] |