Regrettable bangs?[views:75998][posts:338]_____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:45pm - Murph nli ""] Since MFR got the handjob train going, a roommate from mine in college, a very strapping, likeable oaf with an immense physique and very visually appealing to the ladies, taught me a valuable life lesson. If you have great looks, no matter your intellect or personality, keep your fucking mouth shut. This kid actually hooked up with his neighbor twice, and both times got a dry, half-assed handjob. And this girl was mediocre at best. How do you get TWO handjobs from the same person. How does one even allow oneself to get a HANDJOB. Would a mechanic broken down on the side of the road ask an average motorist to check his car for problems? NO! He can do it better himself. To this day, I cannot believe he somehow manipulated a very engaging and potentially awesome lay into two handjobs. After the first, if she doesn't upgrade big time, he should have turned her over to this board for some Q&A. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:46pm - RichHorror ""] Mark should have put his penis where she was cute, is the lesson to be learned here. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:47pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] well, it is more than you ever gave me, rich. you inconsiderate bastard. oh and that freckley married girl in new hampshire? that was me. i never got the chance to say thanks. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:48pm - RichHorror ""] So that's why Niccolai always makes you wear turtlenecks. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:49pm - Kevord ""] How do you even get just a handjob? I need to try this. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:50pm - RichHorror ""] I'm on the same page with Murph. Why would you want just a handjob? Get a blowjob like a real man. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:51pm - Kevord ""] RichHorror said:I'm on the same page with Murph. Why would you want one? Get a blowjob like a real man. I hear ya. But forcing just a handjob sounds challenging. |
| ___________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:52pm - davefromthegrave ""] RichHorror said:Mark should have put his penis where she was cute, is the lesson to be learned here. Put your penis where she's cute = my new motto After reading this thread, Rich is officially my hero. |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:52pm - dreadkill ""] MarkFuckingRichards said:i was creeped out as fuck, but i blew a load all over her pants, arm, and roommate's bed anyway. i can't stop laughing about this |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:52pm - RichHorror ""] It seems like broads would be ok with that. There doesn't seem a lot of shame involved with giving a handjob, as opposed to a blowjob or getting railed. Hence my complete lack of interest in getting one. |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:54pm - dreadkill ""] this thread is rich's best idea since the meat restaurant |
| ___________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:54pm - thegreatspaldino ""] one time i was so fucking drunk. i was like passed out on someones lawn in one of those shitty plastic patio chairs. (i had 2 40's half a liter of raspberry vodka and other assorted shots). so i awake to something on my lap... it was this huge broad. she was trying to kiss me and stuff and i was about as good as dead. so as you can imagine, i was breaking those chairs by sitting on them when i weighed 280 and i was in shape... at this time i was 290 and this heffer was like 280. so the inevitable happened and the chairs leg snapped. we tumbled backwards and my head nailed a parked car in the driveway. so after that i got like dragged or something up to her room and i dont know what happened but i do know that i didnt fuck her. this chick has BACK TITS. not to mention facial hair. she was so ugly that a blacked out drunk dude turned her down. to understand how drunk i was... the "chair incident" happened at like 10 pm and when i wke up at 5 am i was still so drunk that the walk home took 30 minutes instead of the usual 8. WORD. |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:54pm - dreadkill ""] i said "i am the black wizards" during a bang |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:56pm - RichHorror ""] When I nailed that married NH broad, I screamed 'I FUCKING HATE YOU' directly into her face at the point of climax. It was pretty great. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:56pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] RichHorror said:Mark should have put his penis where she was cute, is the lesson to be learned here. haha, actually...right before i left she said "next time you can bring some whipped cream." so she had her mind where her mouth SHOULD have been. speaking of handjobs... i nicknamed a girl i went to college with "handjabba the hut" because she is quite big, awkward, and started to give some dude a handjob but stopped and went to bed when she asked, "you'll let me know when you're ready to finish so you can go do it in the bathroom right?" his answer was "oh, i thought i was going to finish in your mouth." to top it off she said "you can still stay over if you want, but i'm going to bed." what an idiot. and another strange sexual tale that i've been a part of... when i was 13 a family friend was having his annual pig roast. he had a moonwalk for the kids, so obviously i was partaking in bouncy fun. some kid pissed himself in the moonwalk, so everyone fled but i was the last one out. before i could get completely out, a 33 year old, 6' 2" manly looking hick of a whore with a half-cut lynyrd skynyrd shirt and overalls pushed me back in. she yelled "where the hell do you think you're goin'?!" with a very intoxicated breath that smelled of the inside of a boot. she pinned me against the floor of the moonwalk, unzipped my pants and fell asleep with her head on my crotch. that was awkward. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:58pm - RichHorror ""] AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Mark has been raped by a different ugly woman every day since the age of four. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:58pm - Kevord ""] Wow that story even creeped me out. |
| __________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:58pm - babyshaker nli ""] MarkFuckingRichards said:luckily i don't have any regrettable bangs, but i do have a terrifying tale that still creeps me out. i befriended a girl on friendster...yeah, old school, haha...she had no pictures, so i used my head and saw the red flag waving, unlike our favorite internet celebrity, rich horror. after talking to her for a while i finally saw a few pictures of her face, so i knew she was real, but had to be a beast since she didn't have anything but her face in pictures. i made it clear that i wanted no carnal relationship with this girl, but she was cool so we ended up hanging out since i was in her neck of the woods. she lived in springfield, which is well over two hours from my house so she let me sleep in her roommate's bed since she wasn't there. i woke up at about 6 am to an odd feeling in my pants-area. this girl fucking pulled my pants down and started jerking me off IN MY SLEEP!!! and keep in mind, she was completely sober so there was no excuse. i was creeped out as fuck, but i blew a load all over her pants, arm, and roommate's bed anyway. i went to the bathroom to clean myself up, then went back to bed frightened for a few hours. when i woke up she bought me a huge breakfast topped off with a mr. pibb and i got the fuck out. i think maybe 3 words were shared between the two of us between the "incident" and when i left. hhahahaha thats so weird i offically know a bunch of people who have woken up to fat bitches trying to jerk them off/blow them/ride them its crazy man |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 10:59pm - dreadkill ""] there was a girl we called rimma back in college |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:00pm - RichHorror ""] babyshaker nli said:hhahahaha thats so weird i offically know a bunch of people who have woken up to fat bitches trying to jerk them off/blow them/ride them its crazy man Yeah, now that I think about so do I. What a phenomenon. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:02pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] i hate myself and anyone who has ever touched me. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:04pm - RichHorror ""] There is no point in posting in any other thread on this board other than this one. |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:06pm - dreadkill ""] i wish i still had the dog killer's phone number so i could give it to kevin. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:07pm - Kevord ""] I had a chick who wouldn't fuck me cause I had a job and had to get up in the morning. She then called another dude she could fuck then sleep in. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:07pm - RichHorror ""] I need to know the full story on the dog killer. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:07pm - Kevord ""] dreadkill said:i wish i still had the dog killer's phone number so i could give it to kevin. Dude, I'd tap that ass. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:08pm - RichHorror ""] Kevord said:I had a chick who wouldn't fuck me cause I had a job and had to get up in the morning. She then called another dude she could fuck then sleep in. hahaha, what a great night. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:08pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] rich horror speaks the truth. oh and murph i just saw your first post, haha. i want 30 grit dammit! 30 GRIT!!! |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:09pm - Kevord ""] RichHorror said:Kevord said:I had a chick who wouldn't fuck me cause I had a job and had to get up in the morning. She then called another dude she could fuck then sleep in. hahaha, what a great night. It made for a great story. I loved when you told her "Go home and tell your parents they failed." |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:12pm - dreadkill ""] RichHorror said:I need to know the full story on the dog killer. it's not as good as it sounds. we were riding around in her car and she ran over a dog. the owner came out of the house and flipped out. then we cleaned its guts off the street. it looked like cranberry sauce. i never spoke to the girl again. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:12pm - RichHorror ""] Kevord said:RichHorror said:Kevord said:I had a chick who wouldn't fuck me cause I had a job and had to get up in the morning. She then called another dude she could fuck then sleep in. hahaha, what a great night. It made for a great story. I loved when you told her "Go home and tell your parents they failed." She walked away mad and got fucked up in her car. I am great. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:12pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] on a side note, i sent the email with attachments rich. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:15pm - RichHorror ""] You send those attachments, you crazy faggot. 'you crazy faggot' is my favorite thing to say to everyone now. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:20pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] i already sent them, you're the crazy faggot you crazy faggot! |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:22pm - RichHorror ""] It's all true. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:24pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] tis. back to the fun stuff. i am very close to someone who had sex with someone named jesus. i will not say who it is, since she'd probably beat me up. hahaha. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:27pm - xmikex ""] Somebody track down Orgy. Make him tell the story of why he was briefly nicknamed Captain Crunch. A grossout story for the ages. |
| ______________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:29pm - xanonymousx ""] this isn't a bang but is it weird since i just got off a webcam with somegirl who added me on myspace for two hours maybe more? i don't feel good about this. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:33pm - RichHorror ""] Pictures. |
| ______________________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:34pm - MarkFuckingRichards ""] the last drummer of my old band upon crimson wings told me that one of his frat-mates was doing some girl in the ass...he pulled his dick out and saw a little fecal matter on the tip. this made him puke a little bit and dribbled it on the girl's back. naturally, she thought he came so she looked back to see vomit on her, which caused her to lose control of her bowels. she shit on the floor, which then prompted the dude to vomit full-fledged all over the girl. whether or not this story is true, it's fucking hilarious. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:35pm - RichHorror ""] This thread is my gift to the world. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:37pm - anonymous ""] dreadkill said:i said "i am the black wizards" during a bang I laughed for a good 5 minutes at this one. Classic. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:38pm - RichHorror ""] Me too. That seems like the kind of phrase you'd have to be blacked out to come up with. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:39pm - Kevord ""] RichHorror said:Me too. That seems like the kind of phrase you'd have to be blacked out to come up with. Or listening to Emperor. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:41pm - RichHorror ""] There's no need to call Ken gay. |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:41pm - dreadkill ""] i wasn't blacked out when i was banging that girl. i was plowing her to darkthrone and i felt grim, so i said my favorite emperor song title. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:42pm - RichHorror ""] Post her myspace. |
| _________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:43pm - Kevord ""] Yelling cosmic keys to my creation just doesn't have the same ring to it. |
| ____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:44pm - dreadkill ""] MarkFuckingRichards said:the last drummer of my old band upon crimson wings told me that one of his frat-mates was doing some girl in the ass...he pulled his dick out and saw a little fecal matter on the tip. this made him puke a little bit and dribbled it on the girl's back. naturally, she thought he came so she looked back to see vomit on her, which caused her to lose control of her bowels. she shit on the floor, which then prompted the dude to vomit full-fledged all over the girl. whether or not this story is true, it's fucking hilarious. some dude at a party was telling me that he was at a college party one time and a petite young lady went into another room to get fucked by a huge black guy on one of the school's sports teams. he was banging her up the ass and he ruptured her sphincter. she came running out of the room screaming with shit flying out of her ass and into other party-goers' drinks. the cops came and her parents came to pick her up. |
| _____________________________________ [Jan 22,2007 11:45pm - RichHorror ""] If anyone's bangs have myspaces, post them or PM them to me so I can laugh heartily like a dragon. |