****THE NEVERENDING THREAD OF DEATH****[views:691850][posts:1373]_________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:47am - Assuck ""] If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:47am - Assuck ""] If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:47am - Assuck ""] Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:47am - Assuck ""] Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:48am - Assuck ""] If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:48am - Assuck ""] Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:48am - Assuck ""] Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:48am - Assuck ""] Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:49am - Assuck ""] Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:49am - Assuck ""] If something is worth doing, it would have been done already. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:50am - Assuck ""] Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:50am - Assuck ""] If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:50am - Assuck ""] Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:51am - Assuck ""] Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:51am - Assuck ""] Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:52am - Assuck ""] Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order are..... |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:52am - Assuck ""] 7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:52am - Assuck ""] 6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was aproximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearin g a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. (Damn it...I want pictures!!!) |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:53am - Assuck ""] 5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreakage with their pants around their ankles. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:53am - Assuck ""] 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County polic e said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:54am - Assuck ""] 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:54am - Assuck ""] 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:55am - Assuck ""] AND THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE.... Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the b all washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to le ave the course. NOTE: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:57am - Assuck ""] Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:57am - Assuck ""] She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:57am - Assuck ""] The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. Russell Beland, Springfield |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:57am - Assuck ""] McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:57am - Assuck ""] From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. Roy Ashley, Washington |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:58am - Assuck ""] Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith, Woodbridge |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:58am - Assuck ""] Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. Russell Beland, Springfield |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:58am - Assuck ""] Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:58am - Assuck ""] Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Unknown |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:59am - Assuck ""] He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:59am - Assuck ""] The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:59am - Assuck ""] The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 11:59am - Assuck ""] They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y. |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:00pm - Assuck ""] John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. Russell Beland, Springfield |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:00pm - Assuck ""] The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:00pm - Assuck ""] The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Unknown |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 989 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 990 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 991 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 992 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 993 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 994 |
| _________________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - My_Dying_Bride ""] is it 1000 yet |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 995 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 996 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 997 |
| _________________________________ [Sep 25,2004 12:01pm - Assuck ""] 998 |